Karen at Needs New Batteries posted recently about the loss she feels for her maiden name. Current friends know her only by the name she took when she married her husband, rather than her father’s ancestral name. This is something many married women experience, though they may not share the details of Karen’s heritage. I have always sympathised with this loss, but not from my own experience.
When I married, I took my husband’s last name. I would like to tell you that I am a deep person who made a thorough examination of the issues involved before I made that decision, but I’m not. I explained to him that I chose his name instead of my own for one very simple reason: his name was prettier.
My maiden name is one of the hundreds of ordinary professions that became a surname. It is not interesting or particularly reflective of my heritage. I do not feel much need to commemorate with my name the fact that one of my ancestors did Profession A for a living rather than Profession B. It always seemed rather dull.
I have always envied a little people who have more obvious ethnic heritage in their name or a more intriguing history. Az the Husband had a slightly more interesting name than my own (really, only slightly), so I snapped it up. If his name had been something awful, I would have probably kept my own.
Az the Hater of All Change, for his part, did not want me to take his name. He would growl, “I did not marry Veronica Mitchell; I married Veronica SMITH.” Then he would pretend not to know who this Veronica Mitchell person was.
It was charming the first couple of times.
Now, of course, we have children, and I am happy that we all share the same last name. I remember an episode of the old show Thirtysomething, where two characters were about to marry or have a baby. The husband suggested that they randomly pick a surname from the phone book, and the whole family legally take that name – you know, so it would be fair.
So every now and then Az the Playfully Accommodating and I play the game What Should We Change Our Surname To? The reasons may vary; perhaps the mob puts a hit out on us and we are admitted to the witness protection program. My favorite choice is Moriarty; his is any Scottish name that uses a Q, like Farquhar or Urquhart. Then he wants to change his first name to Clark. He is a little odd, that man of mine.
Names are powerful things, and shape our ideas about ourselves and others. NPR reported a new statistical study that claims the initial letters of our names influence our own choices and how others treat us. I am a little skeptical of the claims of the study, but in general, our images of each other are certainly affected by names.
Would I have fallen in love with a Clark Farquhar? I would like to think so.
But what on earth would I have named our kids?
So if you had reason to choose a new name, what would you pick?
uggg, I don’t know. My married last name is so nice and short and normal sounding after spending the first 25 years of my life having to repeat myself and spell it out each and every time someone asked my name…
I had a roommate in college whose brother took his wife’s last name because it was so nice sounding and sounded so wonderful with his first name.
But she divorced him later…
Blessings,
K
oh, all blog posts lead to npr on some days – I listened to that report this morning and laughed because I couldn’t make any real sense of it in my life – except for what you say is true:
“our images of each other are certainly affected by names.”
I love Az’ response to your name changing; that is true love and also kinda funny.
I can’t imagine choosing again, but I’ve worn my hair back and eyeliner everyday since that post- emphasizing my own heritage, revealing the invisible, so that is telling me something – right?
I am now trying to think of potential pets my children might ask for that share the first letter of their names…thank you npr.
A friend of mine had a lot of difficulty giving up her maiden name, and for awhile she and her fiance toyed with adopting the name Christianson (because they were Christians). That did not strike me as a good idea.
I had no attachment to my maiden name for the same reasons you’ve described – but I’d take any real name over a merely made-up one.
My maiden name sounds like a sneeze. I was glad to trade it in for the much more melodic last name my husband has.
A new last name? Hmmmm… I have no idea… Hmmm…
Veronica,
I would still choose a name rooted in a historic profession, smith, farmer, miller, or fisher. It might be interesting to give it a modern twist with a last names like professionalgolfer, bassfishingchamp, , taxaccountant, or honestlawyer.
I think my wife is happy with a common name after all the dysfunctional behavior that comes from here own lineage.
Az is a hoot.
brother
I love this post. Since I posted about baby names a few weeks ago, I’ve been thinking about names a lot. I took my husband’s name because his is four letters and much closer to the beginning of the alphabet. My maiden name begins with a “W” so I was always at the end of the line in school. I almost used my maiden name as my middle name, but the husband likes my two given names and suggested we name our son, if we have one, my maiden name which is a great son’s name (I already had that planned, providing he obliged). So I compromised.
As for what I would change my name to? Since I’m Scotch-Irish, it would be something completely Gaelic/Irish/Scottish like Siobhan or Maeve or Tierney for first names and McElhannon or McLachlan for last names. Or Ivy, which was my great-great-grandmother’s nickname. My mom likes Sorcha but said she’d never subject a child to that torture.
I’ve been all over the place about last names. When I was married in 1968, I took my first husband’s name because I liked it better. Then, when I returned to school and work in 1 987, I reverted to my maiden name. When I got married again in 2001, I again took my husband’s name. But I blog under my maiden name. My two older daughters have taken their husband’s names; my third daughter has kept hers. She observes that in our family, the most Waspish name trumps. My mom took my dad’s name, but we had to make sure her gravestone said Mary Nolan Koch.
I would use my mothers maiden name in a heartbeat. I never liked my own maiden name it was to long, plain and I was tired of it. Then when I got married I took my husbands last name. But I hate it. Only because I’m not Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones is my mother in law!! I want a new name. Or a better mother in law.
ooh interesting post. i really wanted to hang onto my last name, not because it had any great significance, other than it was mine and i’d had it for so long i’d grown to like it. but i didn’t. when i started writing i incorporated my old last name as my new middle name. the new name had a nice ring to it, but sounded a bit more professional than i consider myself to be.
now i’ve had my husband’s name so long, i’m used to it. i also think it makes a huge difference when you have kids. now we are all the “smith’s” and i like it.
if i were to change my first name though, i have no idea. i’m not in love with melissa, but it would be very hard to be anyone else.
btw, my husband’s blog name is clark.
Oh this is fun, I have thought of this many times. My maiden name was welsh and very, very common! I took my husband’s hard to pronounce Armenian name, I like it, but even better was his grandma’s maiden name, that she almost took back when she got a scandolous divorce way back when…Dragon. Then my husband’s father would have had Dragon as a last name. I would love to be Meredith Dragon, pronounced with a french accent…
or I would use the nickname my french nieces and nephews call me…DeeDee…DeeDee Dragon would be a perfect name for a writer of cheesy novels…
That’s probably a good thing that I am a chinese. when we are married we just have an additional name or title rather…
“Mrs ‘husband’s-name” and change my Miss to “Mdm ‘my-own-name”
so when I add one more man to my life, the package comes with an extra name…save confusion.
When I was a kid, I always wished my last name was Darling, like the kids in Peter Pan. I imagined getting letters addressed to Miss Gretchen Darling. I thought it would be a fantastic way to establish myself on the first day of school when the teacher did the rollcall.
I went from an extremely uncommon and very German maiden name to having an extremely common color name. It’s okay with me. I too like having a name in common with my husband and children. I guess if we had to choose a last name, I would go for something a little less darling…I think Mondragon is cool.
The study was reported in various news sources. I think it is bull. Can I back up why? No. I just think it is.
I always wanted to use my middle name as my first name. I liked my maiden name, which definitely spoke of my family heritage (100% Dutch), but I took my husband’s name. We’ll probably use my maiden name as a first name for a son, if we have one.
I too loved my husband’s name, it is a fabulous dessert. When I say my name now, everyone says ooh that sounds delicious.
My maiden name would be a great name for a male porn star.
Changing to my husband’s name was no love lost for me. By the time we married, I was so sick of the constant annoyance my maiden name was that I’d have gladly married any other name just for a change. I was sick of spelling it, pronouncing it, explaining it, and dealing with the thoughtless rude comments about it.
My sister and I dreamed and planned for the day we could shed that name.
So I wonder, sometimes, whether I adequately considered what a name change would actually mean.
I did initially hyphenate but everyone except the IRS dropped that rather quickly as too long and complicated.
I am glad that the family shares the same name. I grew up with different last names in the family and that always lead eventually to some embarrassing moment or personal explanation.
Heritage matters to me but I don’t think my maiden name reflected too much about that.
I’m not very fond of my first name, either, which seems too bubbly and flighty for my personality and carries no possible nicknames other that Jules or (gag) Ju-Ju.
So I spent a lot of time planning different names.
I very nearly legally changed mine to Julia when I turned 18. I thought that would be a minimal change that appeased me.
I still sort of wish I had.
But the idea really, really upset my mother.
Which begs the question: who “owns” the name?
Julie
Using My Words
I actually had a last name that was meaningful because of my family, but it had a bad sound to it. I was very happy to give it up. And I know it sounds crazy, but when I was a girl I hoped I would marry a man whose name started with “L”, because I love “L” last names. And what do you know–I did.
But I also thought it would be nice to have a last name that was very British and regal, like Smockmuton or Vanlandingham or Wiltonshire.
We actually in the process of changing both of our names to a joint name that we created out of our two last names. But then again, my husband didn’t have such a pretty last name, or I might have thought twice.
When I first heard that study on NPR, I glanced at my calendar to make sure that it wasn’t one of their April Fool’s day stories! That having been said, I once dated a guy who’s last name I loved…..”Everest.” Just beautiful with my first name.
Interesting subject. I think my husbands first name was one thing that subconsciously predisposed me in his favour – it had always been my favourite boys’ name – to the extent that at school there was a rather uninteresting boy that I had a crush on, just because he had that name…
I was also happy to get shot of my maiden name, even though I took a long time to recognise myself with my married name. My maiden name was one of those names that you have to say several times over and then spell for anyone to believe that that is really your name (spelled differently it was synonymous with hooker)! I kept the same last initial too, which was a bonus. My married name I still have to spell out for people, but is less potentially embarrassing for the kids!
If I was going to adopt another name it would be something cheerful, old-fashioned and English that I wouldn’t have to spell for people, like Meadows or Summers. But I wouldn’t, because names are part of you, for better or worse…
My name (my maiden name, my enduring name) is my name. And believe me when I tell you it is difficult. It’s always mispronounced and occasionally people say “what a lovely name” in a tone which sends sparks flying out of my ears, because what they think is lovely about it is…well, not to me. Even still, I kept my name, and maybe a tiny piece of that is because my husband’s name is worse. Not liable to be mispronounced, but just an ugly word. Besides, I’ve had many years to hone my displeasure at the mispronunciation of my own name.
I am actually quite attached to my maiden name (it’s an intriguing German-Greek concoction that only 35% of the population can pronounce correctly on the first try), but when I married I never considered the option of keeping it – coming from a family of divorced and re-married parents that kept three surnames in one immediate family, I was quite gung-ho about the simplicity of mom, dad and all siblings sharing the same last name.
And so.
I have now a Jewish-sounding German last name, and although neither my husband or I are Jewish we get asked regularly if we are. I am okay with this. At least people can pronounce my last name correctly.
But if we could choose a new one, I’d advocate for something short and chock full of vowels – similar to my maiden name, but more pronouncable.