When I look back at my epiphanic moment of doubt at the lake shore, I am startled by how sneaky God can be. I never would have guessed that such a crisis would knit me more closely to my husband, increasing my respect for him and teaching me to value more greatly our differences.
But it did. I learned to trust the different wisdom Az the Husband has to offer. I am prone to epiphanies; Az is immune to them. He is all steadiness and slow change, and when I am caught up in the thrill or despair of the moment, he is calm and unruffled.
I have had more than one epiphany in my life. Many times I have been overwhelmed with a certainty of God’s presence. Twice I was certain of God’s non-existence. Once I felt the same epiphanic certainty that a tree was god. That was quite a moment. I suspect if I were properly medicated, I would not experience such things at all.
Faith is more than a moment of certainty. Moments of certainty contradict themselves. Faced with contradictory epiphanies, a person still has to choose.
I chose faith in Jesus Christ.
Reformed theology tells me that I do not really choose faith: God calls me irresistibly to it. I believe this, but I also recognize that sometimes that irresistible call comes through our apparent acts of bumbling choice.
First it was a Puddleglum moment, then an act of obedience, then resting on my community (especially my husband) to support me when I was weak, and finally a renewed awareness of the presence of the transcendent God. My faith healed, or rather, God, after tossing it around and testing its durability, strengthened my faith.
Recently some of Mother Theresa’s letters have been in the news. For those of you who do not know, Mother Theresa had a profound experience of Christ when she was young, but spent most of her life afterward living in that appalling sense of his absence that I felt on that weekend, the desolation that John of the Cross called “the dark night of the soul.” Her faith was found in her obedience and her choice of community and her reason, but her feelings were bereft.
Faith without feeling God’s presence is a desolate thing. It feels like abandonment. But sometimes God allows us to feel this way and asks us to believe anyway. I cannot explain why.
Even in the midst of doubt, Jesus’ demand for faith is a sign of how highly God values us. It is an insistence on relationship with us, a mother lifting her child’s chin so they look into each other’s eyes. Faith directs our gaze to Jesus, where we see ourselves as we really are in the light of God’s holiness, and see God’s grace transforming us. Faith is the longing gaze that cannot look away.
I believe.
yes, we are called, but yes, we have to make the choice to answer that call. And sometimes we have to make that choice in what feels like overwhelming silence. Now I want to go learn more about Mother Theresa. I, like you, have had moments where it was as if God spoke words directly to me, and I was so sure of his presence. But much of my life is spent flailing around, wondering where exactly he is in all this muck. And it is those times that we must choose to believe, and carry on anyways.
“Faith is the longing gaze that cannot look away.”
How perfectly you express it!
This is my first time commenting although I’ve visited and read your thoughts very often. As a pastor (yes as a women!) I’ve read of this journey with great interest. My denominational tradition is Reformed, so the whole debate of being “chosen “over deciding to believe is one I face often.
What I enjoyed most about your story is the acceptance of God’s presence and place in your life and the confirmation of your faith as a result. At one point when I was struggling with many of the same questions, I realized that in His sovreignty that God doesn’t change one bit based on what I or anyone else believes or conversely don’t believe about Him. He is immutable not because I say He is, but simply because He is. Just because scholars try to disprove His existence or His great love for His children doesn’t alter who He is. God doesn’t need a “theologian” to prove that He is real and still in control. Even if they think they’ve proven that He’s not, it doesn’t change that He is! I love that about Him-human perception never has or never will affect His true nature and divinity. When I settled that truth in my heart, my faith grew in ways I never expected.
Thank you for being real and transparent with your faith journey. It is an encouragement to many!
Blessings,
Becky
Hi, ‘Faith without feeling God’s presence is a desolate thing.’ How true! Been there, felt that and definitely grow stronger each time when I find His presence all over again.
I love the way you write, I’m very new to this bloggin world…. just set up my blog yesterday.
http://allaboutyourchild.blogspot.com
leave a comment, let me know how I fare for my first attempt
Excellent series Veronica. I started reading the first installment and then when I realized it was a series I saved them to read all at once – and what a treat to sit here in the quiet and dim of my house at 6am on a Sunday morning to read and absorb your well-crafted words. I wish I was fed like this at church.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I wish there were more examples of Christian believers like you in the media and less (or none) like Ann Coulter who makes me angry with the damage she does.
Becky, remembering that God doesn’t change even if my faith does has helped me on many a dark day. You put it excellently.
I thought of this series this morning when I was in the shower and couldn’t wait to read the final installment. Reading it this morning brought a doxology to my mind:
Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. (Jude 24,25)
What a beautiful and uplifting series. I have enjoyed reading each installment. How lucky you are that your husband is such a source of strength and has really been an instrument of God to bring you closer to Him. I believe that is one of the main reasons to get married. To strengthen each other and help each other become closer to God and closer to the ultimate goal of heaven.
Thank you, again.
I’m glad you’re not ‘properly medicated.’
I really enjoyed this series. You write beautifully and express your feelings (seemingly) effortlessly.
Veronica, my sister in Christ: I am responsible for weekly prayer in my Christian women’s group. I have used some of your last post as our prayer this week–really, more an observation on faith. I have given you attribution, of course.
I do muddle and stumble. I have the “aha” moments as well as the Oh s**t moments. Becky’s thoughts on what we believe or don’t believe about God and Divine Nature are splendid. I believe we are Called by Name from the very beginning of time. The Psalmist says God knew us in the womb. The image of a waiting God, next to our own parents, to attend our particular and unique birth, is hauntingly lovely. (Even though that last sentence was hauntingly awkward! But I can’t tweak it any better.)
I’ll tell you this: It’s a lot better inside the Club than outside. So, sisters, cherish your membership. Your dues are to encourage others, so that they in turn can encourage you. This is community at its best.
Thank you, Veronica, for a well drawn and generous glimpse into your personal spiritual mistique. Your eloquence is a tangible gift of the Holy Spirit which you set upon the table for us. Each taste was delicious.
This has been a really beautiful series of posts. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing such a transparent series of posts. Beautifully written, but even more beautifully lived.
1 Peter 2: 2-3 Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk so that by it you may grown up into your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.
All the intellectual wrestling over the balance of faith and work, meanings in scripture concerning baptism, predestination, dispensationalist periods, inerrancy, and pre or post rapture all washed away by my 4 year old. She said something so profound to me on the way to being disciplined. She looked up as I carried her and said, “Daddy, I want grace.” To my Heavenly Father, that should be my daily plea, “Daddy, I want grace.”
brother
This has been a very interesting series for me to read as someone who has never been able to overcome the doubt enough to truly embrace Faith as you describe it. Despite 15 years of Catholic school – or maybe because of it – I simply can’t give myself over to it. But I admire it, and especially how you express it here. Lovely posts, even to someone who can’t quite agree with the fundamental premise.
Beautiful series.
I think you were one of the first people to comment on my piece “Religion for Dummies” way back when. And since then, I have very much enjoyed reading your thoughts on faith. I like that you question too. It makes me feel a little less alone in my uncertainty, even though your faith has been regained and mine may never be found. Thanks for sharing this with me, with us.
Absolutely brilliant and inspiring.
I think it is absolutely vital that we believers share our doubts and our “dark nights” with each other. It gets very discouraging and depressing to hear all the super-Christian success stories that are outside my range of experience.
Your husband is like my wife. I think God pairs us up that way on purpose.
I have read the series a couple of times and will probably reread it again. The dark night or crisis of faith has been through out history our struggle, our plight, our nature perhaps.
I love the book of Isaiah with the reference to streams in the desert. The beautiful depiction of the desolute times of my life being quenched by my Saviour comforts my soul.
I chose faith as well. I believe there is a hole within us that only God can fill. We can put our faith in our advanced degrees, our money, people, our careers etc. Sooner or later they will all disapoint or let us down. Only Jesus will never leave or forsake us.
Well done. Thanks as always for making me think.
I’ve been offline for days, now, so I got to enjoy all 4 posts at once. You so beautifully express what I think every genuine Christian has experienced at one point or another. Those things used to help you in your journey–Puddleglum, your husband, your church community, the Sermon on the Mount–were also used in mine, and I can certainly relate to crises of faith after spending too much time immersed in a certain type of book.
I especially love your line “Faith is the longing gaze that can not look away.” Yes, you’ve got it exactly. And I love the times in my life when I know that most clearly and experientially.
Great series. Thanks.
“Faith is a longing gaze that cannot look away.” I love that definition, especially coming on the heels of the word picture of a mother tilting her child’s chin up, holding it until eyes fasten.
The ending was just right. Beautifully written.
Jen
I read through these posts when you first wrote them and wanted to comment but was overwhelmed by the similarities in my own life. So I have thought about these things for days. Today I read through all four of the posts and find myself completely inept to write coherently my thanks for your integrity in these posts. The most striking thing to me is that while it’s a transparently honest personal journey, not once do you exalt yourself or how you reached the certainty of faith. I read through this and find myself praising God for how His glory is evidenced in the lives of His children, even when the very question centers on whether He exists and whether there’s anything even to His glory.
Thank you is too small a statement, but understand it to be heartfelt.
I’m interested to know if your epiphanies are fundamentally emotional or if they are, at the moment, intellectual certainties.
As I study the Word, I often will have what appears to be a moment of clarity or a sudden restructuring of what I always believed to be true. I have to remind myself, sometimes, to step back and double-check. Scripture will never contradict itself and I need to examine my new “revelation” inductively.
Thank you so much for sharing such a deeply personal experience. I’m looking forward to returning to read it again.