The Ambitious Stay-at-Home Mom
September 3, 2007 by Veronica Mitchell
Today started out rough. Two-year-old Sweetpea has been sick, and every time she gets sick, she ends up at the doctor’s because she refuses to drink, which dehydrates her, which makes all her symptoms worse. Fun. She is on the mend, but was still too germy to keep her cooped up in a church nursery with little babies, so we stayed home from church today.
By 11 am, I was so tired of being climbed on, whined to and screamed at, that I found myself thinking a thought I have never had before: I always thought I would do something more with my life than be just a babysitter. And then I snapped, and stood in the middle of my house and yelled, “SHUT UP!” at everyone.
That works real well, let me tell you.
A few weeks ago, Jennifer F. at “Et Tu?” posed the question: Can an ambitious woman be happy as a stay-at-home mom? She thought the answer was yes, but was uncertain how to formulate it.
I suppose it depends on how you define ambition. If the goal of ambition is gaining respect, then SAHMs are probably left out. Unless you entirely immerse yourself in one of the small subcultures that esteem staying at home for women, you will have to deal with the fact that the wider culture views staying at home with kids as a second-best alternative, unworthy of the same respect a career earns.
But if ambition is merely about achieving goals, then there is room for great ambition in staying home with the kids. Melissa Wiley’s careful and thorough approach to homeschooling is a great example of that. Among her goals is that these six things should be part of each day in the life of a child:
• meaningful work
• imaginative play
• good books
• beauty (art, music, nature)
• ideas to ponder and discuss
• prayer
(Hat tip to Semicolon for first drawing my attention to Melissa’s six things.)
If that is a mother’s goal, she has daily opportunity for challenge and achievement, probably more challenge than most of us can handle.
My frustration today, and my embarrassing outburst, grew out of stress and worry due to illness, but also out of professional frustration. I have taken a long hard look at the PhD this summer, and have to admit frankly that the chances of me writing the dissertation (apart from some unforeseen radical change in circumstances) are very slim. I am currently classed as an inactive student. I cannot imagine how to finish. Instead, I have been mulling over a different approach to things: writing journal articles for publication instead, and leaving the dissertation as a hypothetical possibility for an unknown future.
I thought this sounded like a decent plan. I still do. It has not, however, made it any easier to write with small children around. Neither do the seven or so meaty blog posts that have been sitting as drafts, waiting for me to have a chance to work on them. When I have external goals like this, I desperately want to progress toward them, and when the children prevent my progress, I resent them for being obstacles, instead of enjoying them for being children.
I resented my kids, and I had my sour just a babysitter thought, because for the last couple of weeks, I have been acting like just a babysitter. I have had no goals for the kids, no plan, other than feeding them quickly and simply, keeping them from harming themselves and why won’t you just let me finish this book. I have been in the mode of parenting my sister calls “the walking fire alarm:” I am only here to make sure they don’t die in a fire.
I thought about Melissa’s list, and after my morning explosion, I got everyone dressed and strapped into the car. We drove to a park. They played on the playground. We walked down the paths. I pointed out sycamore trees (three-year-old JellyBean’s latest favorite). We sat in the shade with the cool breezes and watched the water flow by.
I gave them beauty, at least, today.
I am not sure how to work out these competing goals and ambitions. I still have other things I have to accomplish besides being a mom. I have to keep my skills alive for when I return to work; children do not stay children forever. But raising my children is also an ambition, and I love them better and enjoy them more when I remember to focus goals on my current job of stay-at-home mom.
I don’t have a pithy ending to this because I am still working out the balance of these things. What about you? Those of you with kids - how do you balance your ambitions for child-rearing with other ambitions?
My firstborn is going on twelve (!) and I’m still trying to figure out how to balance those ambitions. I think I “balance” my ambitions like a crazy see-saw, first overshooting in one direction and then overshooting in the other and always feeling like I’m missing something. I don’t define ambition in terms of respect, but neither am I able to define it solely in terms of achieving child-related goals. There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere, but I’m still trying to find it.
I let go of some ambitions, others, I put on hold. And I found a few new ambitions that would fit into my stay-at-home-mom lifestyle. I don’t think I ever found a great balance. I feel fulfilled and dissatisfied almost everyday.
You are such an excellent writer, I bet there is a way for you to fit that in, maybe not everyday and not for hours at a time, but little by little…
Geez…you have no idea how much I needed this post today. There have been times when it’s pondering what have I done? Is this really what God had planned for me? and all those life questions. And you’re right…I’ve been just a babysitter lately.
Time to kick it into high gear and to really be a Stay At Home Mom.
Thanks for the inspiration…
I think you’re doing great. Even keeping those career goals in view when you’ve got young children is an achievement, and keeping your skills fresh by writing meaty blog posts when you can and eventually journal articles is pretty far-sighted.
I immersed myself in children and avoided any view of future ambitions when mine were the age yours are, only emerging from the fog a couple of years ago to try and discover a direction that I could go in myself. I’m only just getting to the point where i can use my brain again now, it was so rusty!
Beautiful, necessary post.
I try and see being at home with my kids as being a vocation - like being in the clergy - instead of being a form of unpaid janitorial work and that makes A LOT of difference.
i love that list of goals, and think I may have to sit down and adapt it for myself. Because it IS so easy to fall into the babysitting, or the “just let me do what I want to do and don’t hurt yourself” type of parenting.
Thank you so much for this post. Yesterday at church the teaching was about having a vision for our workplace–and I realized that as a SAHM, the home is my workplace for now, and I have been resenting it a little too much. (The “just a babysitter” comment could have come directly from my brain!) I went home and wrote about why I don’t want to go back to my profession (teaching) in the foreseeable future. And now thanks to you (and Melissa’s wonderful list) I am newly inspired to see being at home with my kids as a vocation, with goals and plans beyond just getting through the day with no one bleeding.
I completely agree with that list–and yes, you can find fulfillment it just depends what makes you happy, what you value.
I don’t have an answer for your question, but I can commiserate (if that isn’t too negative a word). I finished the dissertation last December. Baby came in March. Since then I have been struggling to get some articles out to fill in the gap in my resume. Part of me thinks, do I really want a career so incompatible with my family life and my lifestyle. But other days I find myself struggling to keep up with dirty baby laundry or trying desperately to get him to sleep so I can write and think, this is not where I wanted to be.
It is tough. I wish I could supply you with the pithy ending, but all I can tell you is you are doing great, and you are so much more than a babysitter for your kids. Besides, teaching undergrads - which I assume is what you would be doing if you finished that dissertation and got an academic job - is sometimes a lot like babysitting too.
You said that really well. It’s easy to resent your kids when you see them as “in the way” rather than as the goal.
I have another friend who is a home-schooling SAHM. She showed me her list of educational goals for her children. One of the items was teaching her children how to handle failure. May I add that to the list you quoted for daily goals? My home-schooled 9 year old bursts into hysterics when she can’t do something perfectly. I feel the same way sometimes. We’ve never learned that failure is okay. I’ve actually started making her say, “only Jesus is perfect, and my failures glorify God.” Maybe we should all say it to ourselves as well.
I’d like to try fitting those six things into my own life once every day, but right now it’s working out to about once a year. Usually.
Just chiming in with a “me, too” here. I have hardly even been able to scrape out a post in the last few (six?) months - much less anything meaty. Now after reading this post, I’m trying to figure out how many moments of my day I’m a stay at home mom and how many I’m just a baby sitter…. The answer may not be too flattering to me, I’m afraid. Thank you very much for this. I haven’t done the nominating routine (seeing as how I’ve barely done the post or comment routine), but if I did, I’d nominate this for a perfect post.
This post encapsulates and explodes a great deal of what I’ve struggled with all my ambitious mom life. I don’t know where the line of balance is, although I have danced with it closely a time or two. When resentment threatens to build, I remind myself that I can have it all–just not all at one time. This isn’t the consolation prize, but more of the temporal reminder of an eternal reality that has fruit even in a temporal state.
Having goals for my sons is key, as you stated. Having goals for myself in continuing to learn, to write (even if in snatches), to read, and to teach all contribute to the end goal of being an asset in God’s kingdom rather than a liability.
Again in ditto, not a pithy ending but a progressive one that finds its treasure in the continuing to seek it.
I also have to say Thank you for posting this and the reminder of how my mindset changes the whole attitude of the house & family. I have that list on my fridge, but it’s easy to overlook after awhile–so it’s great to see it in a new format and think about it again.
When you find out how to make room for writing and fulfilling the goals of a mother vs babysitter, please clue me in. There are many days when I just want to sit at the computer and work on my book, but then I feel the urge to take the kids out somewhere and make sure they’ve “experienced” something (which sounds silly when I read that, but hopefully makes sense). So what usually happens is I exhaust myself with the kids and then try to sit down to work on my book but have a complete lack of creative energy so I wind up blathering on my blog. And apparently, yours. My apologies. ;p
As a husband, father and Soldier I frequently wrestle with the same question. At times it means letting go of one area in order to focus on an area that needs improvement. Being sensitive to the areas that need improvement is tough, and if your personality tends toward being a “perfectionist” this will be harder. Personally my goal is to be a good father, good husband, and good Soldier. I don’t want to be great at one or two of the three. Thankfully my wife helps keep me in balance and lets me know when things aren’t working with the children or with her.
Hopefully AZ will help you stay focused, encourage you, and reflect God’s grace when you need it.
I have so often had similar thoughts of just being a babysitter. I’m not sure I have achieved a balance. I read and blog in an effort to stay sharp. I do have vague goals for when my children are no longer under my constant care, but at present those goals are on the back burner. But, too, some things are no longer as important. My goals and dreams have altered, I think, because my perspective as a mom has altered my perspective on the rest of my life.
I also came across those six things on Melissa Wiley’s blog. I think in trying to accomplish those goals in my children’s life, I will also enrich my own life. I guess that’s a statement of the obvious, but I don’t always see it. Kind of like not being able to see the forest because of the trees.
Lots of interesting thoughts here. Thanks for the link!
I do not have children, yet. We have been trying for two long and sometimes painful years, so I have had lots of time to ponder what I will do. Since staying at home is not at all an option at this point, I often wonder how I will be able to work well and parent well. My working mom friends are often so frustrated because they aren’t getting respect for their role as moms. At the same time, they simply can’t do it all at work either and that causes conflict. Basically, I think all moms are between a rock and a hard place and not given much respect in this culture. I recently saw the film Sicko. Moms in France are given a home aide to help with parenting tasks a few times a week so they can get out and have some alone time. Can you imagine a government that values moms like that?
I heard someone on Oprah say that you can have it all, just not at the same time. I guess that’s why I read mom blogs, to see how real women do it! Thanks for sharing so honestly!
[...] 15th, 2007 by Veronica Mitchell Lately I have been making more efforts with the six daily things to include in a child’s day. I have particular difficulty with meaningful work, and my kids are too young for ideas to ponder, [...]
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This is a wonderful post, and I’m glad someone put it up for a Perfect Post Award because I missed it (during my little hiatus).
It can be hard to be ambitious while being a SAHM. The list of ‘ambitions’ you’ve listed here are a great way to looking at staying home with wee ones. No I just need to find the time to do a little bit better… increments…
I love leaving the walking fire alarm mode. I love working on my other ambitions when they are napping or happily engaged together. Sometimes I get trapped and use that time to clean, which is less fulfulling - and could be done when my brain turns off in the evening instead of more fruitful creative times like early mornings - when my kids tend to play nicely - or late afternoons - when they tend to nap. It’s like a vortex when I’m doing it wrong, but it’s like inertia over takes me and it takes a dramatic shift to steer me right again. Great post.
Hiya! I’m not sure how I ran across your blog, but never mind that. About dissertations… it takes what it takes. Sometimes the powers-that-be are very kind, and they extend your timeframe.
You may hate me for saying this (though I hope not!), but you can do Melissa’s list (or, with all due respect to Melissa, your own list), and take one hour or 30 min. every day to write a dissertation. If you want to. IF you want to. If you don’t, that’s fine, too. But if you do want to… you can do it.
I did it; I have umpteen kids (TM), and though it took me years to finish each thesis or dissertation, I did it and have pieces of paper that say I sure are smart–AND I parented my kids the way I wanted to. If you really love your studies, please don’t throw them aside. That’s all I’m saying. See if how much time you can be inactive, or how much work you have to do; and then think about what 30 min or 45 min blogging or writing will get you, compared with 30-45 minutes of working on your dissertation. If you want to.
Hugs from another edumacated mom, ~Eve
I know I’m way late for commenting on this but I stumbled upon this tonight and it really spoke to me. I’ve only been a mom for 6 months, during 3 of which I’ve been trying to work part-time from home. Your post along with some of the comments to it gave me great food for thought. It made me feel less guilty for those crying outbursts I have when a client wants something ASAP and Monkey’s just winding up for a tantrum. It also reminded me of WHY I decided to stay at home in the first place — to have an active role in shaping my son’s personality and growth.
Thanks for writing this and it truly does deserve an award.
Hi I am super late, but as I read this blog it really spoke to me. I am currently in graduate school and don’t have children, but when I do have them I want quite a few. I struggle with thoughts of how or if I can balance. I listen to friends with children that work and they so frustrated and discontent. I think as a SAHM you have a golden oppurtunity because you get to enjoy or experience everyday moments with your kids. My mom was in the military and before she had children she was on the fast track. After she had kids the promotions stopped. When I was little I used to feel bad about that, but now that my mom has retired and moved on to a new career. She talks about being a mom much more fondly than being a soldier. Her other soldier friends talk about regret much more than anything else. I was blessed because even as a working mom my mother made time to take us to galleries and art shows, plays and independent films. She really immersed us in a lot of different things. But can I tell you, my best memories as a kid are during the brief time after my mother retired from the military and before she started school to become a teacher when she was a stay at home mom. I have no greater memories than of simply coming home and seeing my mom there. So trust me as a kid of a mom who was both working and a SAHM at different periods in my life. My mom can brag on being educated and all sorts of career feats, but as her kid I loved her being my mom the most. And to hear her talk she feels the same way. She’s never regretted stalling her career for us. Unfortunatley most of my friends whose moms are Vice-president’s or Officers in the military don’t share even half of the great memories, whether they be of mundane things or great adventures, that I shared with my mom when she was a SAHM for just few years. So imagine how much more blessed your kids will be since you don’t plan on going back to teaching for awhile. God Bless.