The Biggest Fear
November 23, 2006 by Veronica Mitchell
Every mother recalls some piece of foolish dogmatism from her pre-mother days. My favorite story is from an old friend who had two daughters. Her first daughter was one of those preternaturally sweet and gentle children who obeys without question or discipline. When this daughter was little, my friend said she frequently looked with disapproval at other mothers and thought, “Why don’t they control their children?”
Then she had her second daughter, a delightful little fireball. Anything this child was commanded not to do, she did. She was unquenchably gleeful in her defiance. She was the kid everyone watched in church, because you knew she was going to do something. She tested every rule, and she giggled while she did it. She was the perfect child to thoroughly flatten any parent’s judgmental certainty. There was no way to have this child and still be pompous about your own parenting.
I had my fireball first. I was full of dogmatic certainty about some things, though mine expressed itself more as shock at other parents than condemnation. I was startled by practices that did not conform to official theories, and suspicious that maybe those parents just were not trying hard enough.
And all that came crashing down the moment I brought JellyBean home.
Sleep was what killed me. JellyBean would not sleep at night. I do not mean she would wake up a lot; I mean she would not sleep. For the entire first month of her life, she stayed wide awake from 10 pm till 6 am. Nothing worked. Nothing.
I have not mentioned this before for obvious reasons, and maybe I will edit it out, but Az works nights. I manage children alone at night. There was no one else to hold her or feed her or rock her. If she was awake, I was awake, all night long. For a month.
At the end of a month, she began to sleep a little at night. I was so grateful. Following the strict instructions of the “Back to Sleep” campaign, I laid her on her back to sleep. But after the first few days, JellyBean decided she would not sleep on her back. She cried and cried. So I introduced one of those wedges under her back to tilt her slightly. That worked for a week, then she decided it was not good enough, and the crying resumed. Reasoning that supervised tummy time was recommended, I decided I could let her fall asleep on her stomach with me in the room, and turn her over after fifteen minutes, once she had fallen soundly asleep. That worked for another week before she decided it was not good enough.
I am leaving out the agonizing hours of screaming. If you have been through it, you know what it’s like and you don’t need me to describe it. One night, the night I finally gave up, she screamed for four hours and clearly planned to continue. I picked her up every fifteen minutes to soothe her, but the moment I laid her on her back again, the screaming started again.
My baby would not sleep on her back. I do not mean she slept poorly or restlessly. I mean SHE WOULD NOT SLEEP ON HER BACK.
By this point, about six weeks into motherhood, I was so psychotic from lack of sleep that I seriously thought: “I will let her sleep on her tummy, and I will just set my alarm and wake up every fifteen minutes every night so I can make sure she is still breathing.”
That plan needs no further comment.
I let my baby sleep on her tummy. There was nothing else I could do. Please do not give me smug suggestions - I tried everything. Babies have minds of their own, and she had made hers up: tummy-sleeping only.
So I spent JellyBean’s first year, especially those first two-to-four-months when babies are at greatest risk of SIDS, feeling like a murderer. I was so successfully brainwashed by the “Back to Sleep” campaign that I felt guilty all the time. I was a horrible mother. I was ashamed. I knew other mothers would condemn me if they knew this dirty secret, and worst of all, I thought they were right to do it.
My second baby was a better sleeper, and tolerated back-sleeping at first, but by four weeks it was clear that back-sleeping meant she would wake up every 60-90 minutes, but tummy-sleeping meant she would wake up every 3-4 hours. I still laid her down on her back every night, but would let her change position if she protested too much. I had no one to give me a break at night, and with two children to take care of, I had few opportunities to nap during the day. I had to be able to function; so I let Sweetpea sleep on her tummy, too. When she surprised me by rolling over at six weeks, I thought, “Yes! See? She can roll over now. Nothing to worry about.” But I still worried.
When I think about reasons to stop having children, the top of my list is not money or quiet or exhaustion. The top of my list is the gut-wrenching fear and guilt I feel when I try to decide between my baby sleeping on her tummy, or crying on her back. I don’t know how many times I can take the stress of this decision.
The statistics for back-sleeping as a preventative for SIDS are compelling. Babies who sleep on their stomachs are twelve times more likely to suffer unexplained crib death than babies who sleep on their backs. Since the “Back to Sleep” campaign began, SIDS deaths have fallen every year. This does seem to be saving lives. I completely understand doctors like my own stressing the importance of this. I imagine if you are a pediatrician, there is nothing worse than losing a patient to crib death, and whatever steps are necessary to reduce the numbers must be worth it.
The idea of losing a baby to SIDS (or anything else) is starkly terrifying. The idea of being responsible for it (which is in effect what the “Back to Sleep” campaign is saying) is even worse.
What makes me nail-spitting, fist-pounding angry are the smug authorities who pretend that mothers like me let their babies sleep on their tummies only out of selfishness or ignorance. When I was struggling with this decision the first time, I read one doctor who said, when questioned about the way many infants hate to sleep on their backs, “It’s hard to know for sure what babies like since they can’t tell us.” Excuse me? Tell you what, lady, you come spend the night at my house. Every time the baby screams I’ll jab a needle in your foot to wake you, and you can tell me how hard it is to “know what babies like.”
My sister tells me that for mothers of more than three kids, tummy-sleeping is the dirty little secret they lie to their pediatricians about. At a certain point in Jellybean’s infancy, I told my own pediatrician (an attentive and dedicated doctor about whom I have no complaints) that if she kept asking about sleep position I would just lie to her. I think we both breathed a sigh of relief when JellyBean passed the one year mark.
I want to see more exhaustive research on this. SIDS is still so unexplained. But more than that, I want statistical analyses that address back-sleeping more comprehensively. What are the statistical relationships between back-sleeping infants and their parents’ post-partum depression, or domestic abuse, or car accidents? I bet those statistics would be interesting. Somehow I doubt I am the only person who finds this health practice debilitating or impossible.
So now I have another baby due in the spring and I am already tensing up, wondering if I will be able to manage the back-sleeping this time. My husband and my parents and my mom-in-law all look at me with patient, pitying eyes if I talk about it. They think I am a good mother, that I worry too much, and that whatever I decide, the baby will be fine.
But I listen to the bad voices too much, and in my heart of hearts, on the bad days, I feel like a murderer.
This is a hard one. I think lack of sleep seriously contributes to the onset of depression. Sleep deprivation led me to give up breast feeding every hour in exchange for giving a bottle every three hours. Don’t be too hard on yourself, I’d just make sure the mattress was very firm for a baby that would only sleep on it’s tummy.
From what I’ve read, it seems likely that there is a genetic component to SIDS risk. So basically, for most infants, tummy sleeping does not pose a real risk because they aren’t at risk for SIDS to begin with. The catch, of course, is that we have no way of knowing which infants these are.
My babies hated their tummies - day, night, there was no surer way to enrage them than “tummy time” (which, in Bub’s case, meant that “tummy time” occurred maybe once a week for ten seconds, doctors’ recommendations notwithstanding).
The Back to Sleep campaign has worked precisely because there are lots of babies like mine who prefer their backs (and would have been placed on their tummies, like it or not, for decades on doctor’s advice in order to avoid choking). And there are babies that could go either way, depending on what they get used to.
I have friends who had babies like Jelly Bean, and I really think this should be considered one of those uncontrollable factors, like ethnicity. You control the factors you can (breastfeeding, smoking, ventilation in the crib) and then there are factors you can do nothing about. A baby who refuses to sleep on her back is one of them.
What Bub said. Two of my three babies would be found sleeping on their stomachs very cheerfully every single morning. Just be careful with the firm mattress (as Meredith said) and keep the bedding pretty minimalistic.
I wrote a very long comment which blogger deleted. Basically I said that you’re the mom, you know best, and that you’ve clearly made the right decisions for your kids.
The remote risk of SIDS is terrible, but certain severe sleep deprivation for you and your child is worse.
You do the best you can. One thing you can not do is force a baby to sleep in a position in which s/he is unwilling to sleep. So “the best you can” includes finding the best way to put *your* child to bed each night.
(BTW, statistically, you should be due to have a back sleeper this time around, don’t you think?)
With my first baby, I remember treating my mother (a nurse of 30 years) hatefully and condescendingly about placing MY child on her back exclusively. She was NEVER to be placed on her tummy.
Since then, I have had four more children. I hung tough with number 2, but number 3 broke me completely.
Tummy sleeping is the only way to go, and, yes, I lied to my pediatrician about it.
At least a few years ago, when I read the studies on back sleeping, they didn’t seem too compelling. They didn’t take into account prenatal care, smoking, or mothers who suffer from substance abuse problems.
I feel your pain. My little guy didn’t like to be on his stomach, but he didn’t sleep well on his back, either.
Have you tried the Angel Care baby monitor? In addition to the traditional sound monitor, it has a pad you place under the mattress and it can sense a baby’s breathing motions. If the motion stops, the alarm goes off. It’s a bit pricey, but you might check it out.
Yeah both my babies were belly sleepers too. I feel your pain (and You stuck it out WAYYY longer than I did)
This is total speculation, but in case you’re willing to try anything, here goes: (I’ll refer to the baby with masculine pronouns)
When you’re 7,8,9 months pregnant, track the position of the baby in-utero. Then make sure he is belly-down when you sleep at night. My thinking is this: during preganancy, babies are normally asleep when the mother is awake (thanks to the rocking motion from mother’s movement), and subsequently the babies are awake when the mother sleeps. As such, keeping the baby stomach down when you sleep and he is awake (in-utero) may make him less likely to prefer sleeping stomach down afterwards.
Just a thought. If it works, try making some money writing a book about it, and get the “back to sleep” compaign to fund it. At least then they will have given you one useful thing.
I had a perfect little sleeper from the word go (even slept through the night in hospital), but I can totally relate to what you are saying, and all I can say is, I am really in awe of you. You are a fantastic mother.
I have been startled by many hurdles in this parenting gig, but the one thing I have come to understand more than anything else is that you simply do the best you can, and that your best is always enough.
You are doing your best, and you are a great mum. That’s all that matters.
You know, if we mothers had nothing to feel guilty about we’d invent something. Oh wait–I think we did. Seriously, don’t feel guilty about this. I think so many of the previous comments are just right–you’re doing great, control what you can, and if you get another tummy-sleeper, don’t stress it.
You’re the mom; you know your babies; you know what’s working and what isn’t. It sounds like letting your babies do what worked best for them was the right way to go. And, frankly, you’re entitled to some sleep, too!
When my 18 month old was a baby, he liked to sleep on his side at night. I wasn’t going to argue with him; we would start him on his back, he would roll onto his side, and, well, sleep is sleep. I would also let him nap on his tummy during the day on a quilt on the floor (so not too soft) if that’s what he wanted to do as well.
This is the first time I have read your blog. I have to say that I feel as though I could have written this post. It is about me. It is about my kid. Have you been living inside my house for the past 2.75 years??!! My son wouldn’t sleep on his back, either. I too (out of fear and my own insecurities as a mom) stuck it out for far too long. Sucks when we doubt every decision we make, doesn’t it? I actually just wrote a post about just that, yesterday.
I really enjoyed this post, so I’ll probably be back in the future to read more!
Thanks for putting a lot of my thoughts into words!
One of the best pieces of advice anyone ever gave me when I was pregnant was that there are a million different theories and styles of parenting, and the best thing you can do for the health of your baby and for your sanity is stick what works for you. You’ve done a great job with your girls and you will be a great mom for your new baby. I hope that you can find some peace on this issue. SIDs is a scary one; and whether my son is sleeping on his back, side or tummy (we let his sleep in all positions) I still feel compelled to check on him every 15 minutes!
Oh, can I relate. My first child slept with no problem on her back, and still sleeps on her back. My second? Um, no. She just turned a year old in September, thank God, so I could quit clubbing myself. And of course she wouldn’t take a binky. The data about pacifiers and crib death came out right around the time she was born. So I felt guilty because my first child used a binky (and still does) and then because my second child wouldn’t. Both of them slept with us (as they still do), which had me terrified, too, that somehow we would inadvertently be responsible for their demise. It’s crazy, pretty much all the literature out there says if you don’t do it whichever way you’ll ruin your kids. And it almost all conflicts (except for the back to sleep). Who’s to say though, I figure the odds are 10 to 1 they’ll decide some day that babies don’t need to sleep on their backs after all. Sure seems to be the case with so many other things these days. But it’s hard not to worry - and the guilt is a killer!
You want statistial analysis and all the data. I just want them to get off YOUR back. You are a smart, informed lady and a good mother. You know what you’re doing. Dr. Spock said it best - trust your instincts. There seems to be no shortage of people anxious to heap guilt and condemnation mothers.
When mt first child was born, 18 years ago, he slept on his tummy because there was no Back To Sleep campaign. My second child didn’t mind sleeping on her back, but baby #3, who just turned two, wound up sleeping with us for fifteen months because she wouldn’t sleep on her back and I was too afraid to let her sleep alone. Baby # 4 is a tummy sleeper because she just refuses to sleep on her back.
Try not to beat yourself up over this - I agree with the previous comment. There are way too many people out there, waiting to make up feel guilty over something. I just wonder why we’re all so susceptible to it. I don’t know one mother who isn’t guilt-ridden over several somethings.
Great post. I relate to your (very beautifully expressed) thoughts, feelings and experiences. In my case the issue was breastfeeding - an equally emotional issue.
When we were kids our mothers laid us down to sleep whichever way we were comfortable. When I had my first of 4 boys, we were advised to lay our babies on their fronts, but by the time the next one came along, the advice had all changed. SIDS is desperately tragic, but making sure you are a good mum requires sleep - for you and the little one. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about how you parent, least of all yourself. And I wish you luck with the new one!
I’m shaking from the flashbacks. Unfortunately nothing worked for my oldest son. My second son only slept on his tummy. At the time I reasoned that my children were at low risk for SIDS since we were non-smokers and the boys did not have lung issues. Today I feel no need to justify myself. You are the first person I’ve ever known who had a child with as extreme sleep issues as mine. It is a living hell that no one can possibly understand. If it’s any consolation, my third was a good sleeper in any position. But I know the fear of the sleepless nights.
Sleep depravation is used as a form of torture. Don’t torture yourself, or your kids. Get a good sleep, and give them a good sleep. That’s being a good mommy.
Both of my kids slept on their tummies. I also let them sleep in my bed with me. And use those walkers that everyone says are bad. I know everyone else has already said it, but you’re the mom and you know what’s best for your kids.